I Am Down

I really wanted to post a blog today, to keep me in the habit of writing. However, I am in a real bummer, down mood today and have nothing substantial to offer. So I will forgo a real post and just say Hi to everyone and hope all is well with you and yours.

My Story

As October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and this is also the month, 8 years ago, that I found my mass, I feel compelled to blog on this subject.
I don't like to talk about my personal struggle with the "Big C". I'm always afraid people will think I am playing the "poor, poor, pitiful me" card. I don't have one of those cards. I am alive. I am still here. But I will share a bit of my story, but only as an avenue to inspire others to ensure they are getting the best possible care available. Keep in mind when reading this, that there have been TREMENDOUS strides in breast cancer treatment in the past 8 years.
I was working out at the gym on October 17th, 2000. (Yes, I DID workout back then). I had just graduated from UF in May of that year. I was getting ready to begin employment with a company that desperately needed a Human Resources director. I had found my dream job. While at the gym that day, I was laying face down on one of the machines. OUCH! I felt a sharp pain in my left breast. I went into the bathroom and put my hand to my breast, and there it was: not a lump. A LARGE mass had engulfed my entire breast.
While driving home, I tried to stay calm. I KNOW I had done my self-breast exam on the 1st (as I always had) and there was NOTHING there. There was no history of cancer in my family. Needless to say, I called my doctor as soon as I walked in the door. He wanted to see me right away. So, off I went. Still not panicked. Honestly.
Upon my examination, not only did the doctor see the mass, he saw a red streak running around my whole breast. Since my doctor happened to be a friend of the family, he quickly sent me to a surgeon. This is all in the same day, mind you. When leaving his office he said I shouldn't worry. It's probably nothing. So, off I went to the surgeon.
The surgeon looked at and felt the mass. (FYI: More men had touched my breast that day than had in the previous six months. Hey, you gotta have humor!) He looked concerned and wanted to do a biopsy as soon as possible. The only time he had available was 2 days later. 2 DAYS!? How could I be expected to wait 2 days?! But wait I did.
When I went in, he told me this would just be a "fine needle aspiration" (FNA). If liquid came out, the mass was probably benign. If no liquid appeared, further testing would be needed. I watched as he and his nurse put that needle in my breast. I felt nothing. And no liquid appeared. I lost it. But I had to hold it together a little longer because, since no liquid appeared, they would have to do a biopsy. Take some of the mass out and send it to a lab for staging. Of course at the time, I had no clue what staging meant. Because the mass was so large, he asked the lab for "STAT" results. STAT usually means as quickly as possible. In this case, it meant at least 10 days! 10 DAYS!?? While waiting for the results, this surgeon felt that surgery would be needed as quickly as possible. Whoa! Too much information at once. I needed to go home and digest all this and I would be back in touch with him.
I began making my phone calls. Mom, (who at the time was in Vermont) was catching the first available flight to Gainesville. My ex-husband, Mike, the father of Stephen and Brett. Phone call, after phone call. Eventually I called my best friend from high school, Mark. Told him the situation. He told me not to do anything until I heard back from him. He was going to call his mom who lived in Gainesville and worked for an oncologist who specialized in breast cancer. After talking to her (Debbie) she convinced me that with a mass so large, surgery at this point may not be the best idea. She arranged for me to see the doctor she worked for. I would have to wait 2 weeks. 2 weeks?!!
Eventually I got the call from the original surgeon. The biopsy results had come back. Me, being the unique and special person that I am, I couldn't get just a "normal" cancer. No, I had to get inflammatory breast cancer, a fast moving, very rare form of breast cancer. Of all the women that get breast cancer, .5% get my kind. Lovely. Not only that, but it was stage IV. That meant, in all likelihood it had spread to my lymph nodes and other parts of my body. Wonderful.
I kept my appointment with Debbie's doctor. His name is Dr. Carroll. And truth be known, the man saved my life. He suggested that instead of surgery ASAP, we try something called "neo-adjuvent" chemotherapy. That is, use chemo to shrink or maybe get rid of the mass before surgery. He said with a mass that was a big as mine, having surgery at that point could make the cancer spread quicker. With the help of my mother, we decided this sounded like the best route.
And so it went like this: 4 rounds of chemo, surgery, 4 more rounds of chemo (just to make sure all the cancer was killed) and 72 rounds of radiation (twice a day for 7 weeks, again, just to make sure). You should know that when it was time for the surgery, the mass was completely gone and nothing had spread to my nodes or any other part of my body (that we know of, anyway). I won't bore you with the gory details of chemo or radiation. Just know, it ain't much fun. As a matter of fact, I never made the last round of scheduled chemo. The 7th round brought my white blood count so low, I almost died. Therefore, it was felt my body would not be able to handle that last round. Was I bummed about that? Not in the least.
So, what's the point? The point is that a monthly self-examination is not enough. Have that mammogram every year like you're supposed to. If you have dense (not large, dense) breasts, or, have a family history of breast cancer have an MRI or ultra-sound. Insist on it! It's your body! You must be an advocate for yourself!
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Atonement

Today was Yom Kippur, the day of atonement for those of the Jewish faith. It is during this time that we ask G-d for forgiveness of our sins and to inscribe us into "The Book of Life" for the coming year. (The Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah was 10 days ago). We fast for 24 hours as a kind of "sacrifice" for our sins of the past. It is a somber day full of self-reflection and hunger. But, not only are we to ask G-d forgiveness for our sins, we are to find those people we have sinned against and ask their forgiveness as well. So it was in the days of Moses, and so it shall be today.
I go into this holiday every year thinking, "well, I wasn't THAT bad." Okay, so I didn't go to Temple every Friday night. I took the Lord's name in vain more than once. I said something mean about someone behind their back. I may have told "a little white lie" when I thought it necessary. But hey, I didn't kill anyone. I haven't stolen anything. I honor my mother. So, I had a few "little" sins. Do they matter? Yes, I'm afraid they do.
I'm sure the good Lord did not intend the internet to be an avenue for asking others for forgiveness. Nor, is that my intent. I'd like to think that if I've hurt or sinned against anyone who reads this blog, they would have told me sooner. But on the chance this is not the case, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to any and all I may have hurt. And, to let you know, that I will try to be a better person in the coming year.
During this time of reflection, I always look back over the past year and ask "why"? Why are so many suffering? Why did so many have to lose their lives? Why is there war? As well, I do take the time to thank G-d for all the good that has occurred in my life over the past year: the birth of Gavin, the fact that I have family and friends surrounding me and their good health and well-being, a house over my head, food in my stomach, the cruise I was able to go on, the trip to Disney with Laura and Jaime, and of course, Gator football.
As the holiday ended this evening, and I said the prayer which concludes Yom Kippur, the one where I personally ask G-d to inscribe me in the Book of Life for the coming year, I smiled. Not because I knew I could FINALLY get the Diet Coke I had been craving all day. No, I smiled because even though my life is not at the optimum level of where I would like it to be, but because I know that I am surrounded by the most wonderful group of family and friends a person could ever ask for. And for that, I am TRULY blessed.

The Latest

I could go into a lengthy discussion as to why I haven't blogged of late. I could tell you it is because I have been too busy. I could tell you it is because Lynn's death had such a profound effect on me that it caused me to change my outlook on life and I needed time to think. I could tell you that I was terribly ill over the last 3 weeks and was barely able to make it out of bed. But I won't. Instead, I will just give you the highlights of events that have occurred since my last post and promise that I will try harder to write more often.

• Due to circumstances beyond my control, I resigned my position at my new job. I am therefore unemployed again, however, I am in very good spirits that another opportunity will present itself soon.
• I still have not seen Gavin since July 4th, but I HAVE seen pictures and he is getting bigger and cuter by the day! I am hoping to make a trip to Lakeland, where Stephen, Casey and Gavin recently moved back to, in 2 weeks.
• Brett and I are getting along FABULOUSLY! We are spending some real quality time together and I am loving every minute of it.
• Max has been sick, but is doing better.
  
• Laura went on a cruise, Kevin went to Europe, and Jaime went on a driving tour of the South and none of them invited me! LOL!
• John and the ever-lovely Heidi are expecting their first born on May 15th. (which also happens to be Lisa's birthday)
• Virginia got a job! YEAH!!
• The Blogger's Cruise is 4 months from today.

So, that's about it in a nutshell. I wish I had something more humorous or prophetic to end with, but I don't. So I will just leave it at this.

Rest in Peace

Today I lost a very dear friend. Lynn Greif was one of those very special people that don't come into your life very often.
When the boys and I moved to Lakeland in 2003, Lynn was one of the first friends I made. I met her at Temple, as her daughter Sarah, was in the same Bar/Bat Mitzvah class as Brett. I remember she came up to me and said, "Hi, I'm Lynn. I know you just moved here. What can I do to help get you situated?" We became fast friends, I helped her with Sarah's Bat Mitzvah which was in January of 2003 and she helped me with Brett's Bar Mitzvah, which was in April of the same year. Back then she was a teacher in elementary school. Last year she became the principal. She loved kids. She loved life. She loved to shop. But most important, Lynn loved her kids: Ben and Sarah. Ben just started medical school at Florida State University. Sarah, moved to Gainesville 3 weeks ago to begin her freshman classes at the University of Florida. Lynn was so proud of them. You could see it in her eyes. Her husband Stuart, is a psychologist in Plant City, Florida.
I will miss her smiling face, the long phone calls about nothing, and her positive and humorous outlook on life.
She was 47 years old. She died quickly from a brain aneurysm. Ben and Sarah are on their way home. I pray for them and Stuart.
Baruch Hashem. May the Lord grant her peace.

I Miss Him

I can't sleep again. At least this time I have a good reason. Stephen called tonight. Casey and Gavin will not be making the trip up here this weekend. I am so torn up inside it hurts. I haven't seen them in 2 months. I've seen pictures. He's getting so big. And he smiles...alot...a big toothless grin. I hear him over the phone when I talk to Stephen. He's trying to say SOMETHING, you can just tell.
I thought being a Bubbe was supposed to be easier than being a parent. I wonder if I'll ever get to find out.
My heart is broken. I'm such a baby.

You Can't Make This Shit Up

Just got this from "Yahoo News" Unbelievable.

TORONTO - Air Canada's regional carrier Jazz is removing life vests from all its planes to save weight and fuel.
Jazz spokeswoman Manon Stuart said Thursday that government regulations set by Transport Canada allow airlines to use floatation devices instead of life vests provided the planes remain within 50 nautical miles of shore.

Safety cards in the seat pockets of Jazz aircraft now direct passengers to use the seat cushions as floatation devices.

"The nature of our operations doesn't require that we carry both," Stuart said.

Stuart said Jazz is a transcontinental carrier that doesn't fly over the ocean.

Jazz planes do fly over the Great Lakes and along the Eastern seaboard from Halifax to Boston and New York.

Just so I understand, Jazz, wants to save fuel, which will help bring down the price of a ticket. Got it. To help save fuel, they are getting rid of life jackets. Got it. Yet if the plane should take a dive over water, I must pray that I have the ability to pull the seat cushion from under my fat ass so I don't drown. Got it.
Remind me not to peregrinate near the Great Lakes with this airline.
Sorry Big Ed.