Marriage

When I was younger, I never pictured my wedding. All the girls around me did, though. The beautiful white dress, the rings, the cake, the vows...held no interest for me. I never thought I would ever get married; I just couldn't see "giving up" myself to anyone. But I did...not once, but twice.
It would be nice if I could say that my marriages failed because of the men I married. But that would be a lie. A HUGE lie. I've learned a few things about myself over the last 20 years; one of which is that I'm not an easy person to live with. As a matter of fact, I can be a downright bitch. For example, when I walk in the house from a long day at work, why is it that I can see the sink full of dirty dishes, but the men who have been in my life (children included) are blind? Don't get me wrong, my failed marriages were not about dishes, but different directions our lives were going. The first time, we were too young and the expectations ran high, on both our sides. We were forever disappointing one another. As for the second time, I take most of the blame. I didn't make life easy for him and I took him for granted...alot.
I just read the above paragraph. From the sounds of it, you would think I was miserable the entire time I was married to them. Oh, but I wasn't. From Mike I was blessed with the gift of 2 lovely and wonderful children. As well, I married into a terrific family with whom I am still close today. He taught me common sense and I taught him book sense. He turned me on to country music and Garth Brooks, (whose music I still love to this day), Pink Floyd and the Talking Heads. I learned to appreciate pick-up trucks and good ole' southern traditions. (like grilling corn on the cob while it's still in the husks). He taught me the ins-and-outs of baseball and I taught him that poopy diapers are a natural part of life for infants.
From Danny, I learned how to laugh out loud and not take life SO seriously. But at the same time, I'd like to think I showed him how to be an adult. Actually it was not I who taught him that, it was my children. He was a wonderful step-father and he continues to be an important part of their lives. Through his grand-dad he taught me about honor. He showed me how much fun camping could be, as long as there is a bathroom at the campground (I squat for no one!!) , And we both learned, at a huge cost, to be weary of people we don't know.
Obviously, since I am divorced from both of them, it was not all sunshine and roses. But in their own ways, at different times of my life, they both made me so very, very happy. And in my own way, I loved them both... passionately.
What I have learned from all this, is that even with the good times, marriage is just not in the cards for me. Don't get me wrong, it would be nice if I could find someone and fall in love again. I just think that that little piece of paper sets expectations too high; mine and theirs. I am happy to be on my own, knowing that when I get home the dishes will be cleaned and I will have no one to thank for that except myself.